She Disappeared From Social Media….
What does it mean when a woman disables or deletes her social media presence, then comes back with a different name?
One of two things have likely happened:
She has a stalker
She survived an abusive relationship or domestic violence
Social Media has become the fastest way to learn about someone: a quick click on their profile can reveal who they’re friends with, their hobbies, where they like to spend their time, and even help you predict their future behavior. Increasingly, a person’s social media presence is part of how they’re considered for various roles from professional to personal; checking someone’s social media is often the first thing we do when considering if we want to be friends with or date someone, as it helps us get a quick sense of who they are. Many employers consider a candidate’s social profiles as part of the hiring process.
Social Media can be harmful or an outright dangerous place for victims of harassment or personal violence. Having an online presence is needed to socialize, make friends, network, and grow a career. Starting an online presence from scratch can set a person back years in certain fields. This is a serious problem facing the survivors of harassment, stalking, and domestic violence. Those survivors are overwhelmingly women.
For a survivor, changing her name is one of the few things within her power to make it harder for her abuser to continue hurting her. She's trying to get back to a "normal life" while staying safe.
Some countries have programs for women to live under an assumed name, or if she changes her name those records can be sealed for her protection. But a legal name change may still incur fees and cause other financial burdens which prices many women in danger out of safety. Too many women don't meet the evidence or third-party testimony requirements to be granted a restraining order, or they're afraid that taking legal measures will further provoke their abuser. Sometimes the best a survivor can do to distance herself from her abuser is to change her name and social media handles.
Her pictures and posts seemed completely normal. I never saw anything to suggest she was being stalked or abused….
Our online personas are not us. The images we present to the world often don’t reflect the parts of ourselves we’re not prepared to share. Think about the last time you had a big argument with a friend or family member. Were you hurting emotionally? Did you cry? Did you retreat to a part of your home that makes you feel safe? And when you were experiencing these strong emotions, did you have the instinct to turn on a live feed to talk about it? No, you didn’t. Your social media presence was the last thing on your mind when your feelings were hurt. Victims of abuse have those same feelings. Often their abusers make them feel ashamed, or convince them that even if they spoke up they would not be believed. Going ‘live’ could garner the person far worse punishment from their abuser. And for victims of stalking, going ‘live’ tells their stalker where they are in real time.
It is becoming more common for domestic abusers to curate or have approval of their victim’s social media accounts. Posts expressing that they’re upset, need a friend to talk to, or aren’t doing well are deleted by their abuser before you could see it. Abusers are very good at grooming their victim to maintain a strong façade that nothing is wrong. Often, you will have no indication that a woman survived domestic violence or had a stalker until she gets away. She is most likely to stop posting suddenly, and “go dark” for an extended period of time while she establishes a safe distance and resettles herself. She’ll reappear with a different name and posts that are curated to her safety—such as locking her posts to friends-only, not showing her face, or only posting pictures of a location after she has left that area.
“If I notice a woman in my network has changed her name, what should I do?”
The most helpful thing you can do for her safety is to use her new name as though it has always been her name. Use it in all situations: in online posts, in emails or messages, in any written mail, and in-person. Cutting herself off from her previous name makes it more difficult for her abuser to track her down. Do not use her previous name, usernames, or online handles unless she directly tells you it is safe to do so.
Here are some other ways you can help:
Respect her privacy by not sharing her photos or profile info in other groups or on other platforms.
Do not engage with gossip or speculative conversations about what may have happened to her. Allow her to decide when is the right time to share her own story. Many survivors don't want to speak publicly because of the scrutiny, disbelief, and backlash other women have been treated with. Her abuser may have threatened to retaliate against her if she goes public about her abuse in any way. Talking about her may put her in increased danger.
Discourage any mutual friends who express a romantic interest in her. Anyone approaching a woman in the first few months of surviving this kind of experience does not have good intentions towards her. People who truly care for her will wait patiently. Let her decide when she is ready to date again.
Don't share her information: her phone number, new social media handles, job location, where she's living or going to school, her hobbies.… Help keep her details private to make it harder for her abuser to find her. Anyone who needs this information, she will provide it herself.
If anyone contacts you asking questions about her, don't answer! Take screenshots and send the images to her so she knows who is trying to get information about her. Keep these images for your own records and do not delete or un-friend the person who messaged you. Be prepared to give this information to law enforcement if it is evidence of a restraining order violation.
Educate yourself on social media security: try this article from RAINN to get started
Don't call her brave. Instead, ask if there's anything you can do to support her (such as helping her move or change locks on her house, providing child or pet care, accompanying her to court dates or on errands so she doesn't feel alone, etc). And if you offer to help her, follow through.
If you or someone you know is a victim of harassment, stalking, or domestic abuse….
