Can NLP Help Me Change Someone’s Behaviors?

Let's be clear: NLP is not a magic wand you can acquire, say a special incantation, and the people around you will magically think and behave the way you want.

The idea that anyone can be controlled based on communication alone is is a massive oversimplification of human behavior, a misunderstanding of the foundation and purpose of NLP... and does not show respect for the autonomy and personhood of others.

NLP concepts are often brought into dating or “pick-up” advice because the techniques are easy to learn and can be effective when used properly; however, the core of NLP is that everyone is At Cause. This means we are responsible for our own day-to-day choices and actions. You are At Cause when you arrive to a meeting on time, squeeze in a workout, or cook yourself dinner. You are also At Cause if you lose your temper or forget to answer an important email. Being At Cause in NLP means owning 100% of your actions are your own choice, and recognizing the outcome of the choices you made for yourself, both positive and negative.

While we don't always have a wide variety of choices in our lives, we do have control over how we respond to adversity, whether we take or pass on opportunities, and how we spend our time.

Because of the principle of being At Cause, we accept that we have no power over others, only over ourselves. Every individual will act according to their beliefs and values, using the tools and resources they currently have available. Everyone is doing their best with what they have. So the person whose behavior or activity you wish to change is unlikely to take kindly to your efforts to change them, as they are doing their personal best and acting based on their own beliefs and life experiences. Telling someone they are wrong is not a great way to make friends!

You cannot "change someone's mind" or "make them act differently" using NLP. It is merely a system of guidelines and tools you can use to have better interactions, understand other people's lived experiences, and build relationships.

Let's break down how NLP approaches behavioral changes.

People make a decision to change their actions for two reasons:

they've acquired new information or they've acquired new resources.

Here's a look at two scenarios.

Let's say you enjoy eating at a local restaurant. One day you see a news story that the restaurant owners are forcing employees to come in to work while they're sick. Now the staff are protesting outside the restaurant for better working conditions and paid sick leave.

Most likely you will stop eating there, because you agree with the workers and want them to have better pay and sick leave. You agree that staff shouldn't be handling food when they're ill. With the new information about how the restaurant staff is treated and the lack of sanitation practices, you've changed your behavior and stopped eating there.

We often make changes when we're given more information or insight... especially if that information speaks to our morals, our beliefs, or the well-being of others. We are willing to change when presented with a good-enough reason. What you consider to be a good reason might not be important or relevant to someone else. So when offering information, make sure it is relevant to the other person, not just to you personally.

Let's pretend for a moment that you rely on walking or taking public transit as your only means to get around. This would mean that delays in service or bad weather would often make you late for appointments, or cause you to cancel. A family member notices that you're often late and always arrive on foot, so they offer you an older car of theirs which they're no longer using. They offer to continue paying for the insurance if you cover the cost of fuel and maintenance.

With the car, you are no longer late to appointments. You also start driving part-time for a delivery service in order to cover the cost of owning the car. You save a little money with each paycheck to buy a gift for your relative to thank them for helping you. Having the car has done more than make you a more punctual person; you are also working a second job, saving money, and giving back to the person who helped you.

We all make decisions based on the resources that we have access to. Significant resources such as owning a car can unlock access to new experiences, choices, and opportunities which were previously closed to us. If you give someone more useful or more relevant resources, they'll often alter their actions or go in a related-but-more-efficient direction thanks to the new resource.

Try thinking of other situations in your life where someone you know has made a choice and changed something about their actions, habits, or behaviors... you'll find that nearly all examples you can think of come down to the person receiving new information, or gaining access to a better resource.

There is one third reason for change, which is sometimes considered a subdivision of "new information," and that is a new motivation or a strong emotional association which in NLP we call an Anchor.

Let's look at an example of Emotional Anchoring.

The #1 reason ex-smokers cite as their motivation for quitting is their family. The decision to quit smoking can be a quick and easy one, but the act of following through is so notoriously difficult that there is a multi-billion dollar industry of products and services to help people quit smoking and remain smoke-free.

Successful ex-smokers use the love they have for their family--and the fear of losing out on important moments with their family due to complications or the cost of smoking--to motivate themselves to quit. This is not necessarily new information, since we've known for many years that smoking is expensive and causes health problems; however, many successful ex-smokers use an NLP technique called "reframing" wherein they think about smoking from the perspective of their loved ones rather than themselves. They then think about their future as a non-smoker, and how their family will feel better because they no longer smoke. Their family’s health and happiness, and their attachment to the result (being smoke-free for their family), is more motivating to them than any information or resource they've yet received.

Information and resources may help along their journey to becoming smoke-free, but the thing that most consistently changes a smoker into a smoke-free person is the "reframe" they created for themselves, and their powerful emotional attachment to the outcome.

So NLP is not about changing a person's mind, or making them act in a way that we want them to. NLP is about being aware of where our influence ends and another person's free-will begins. We have the ability to provide others with new information, new resources, or help them find information and resources for themselves (or sometimes discover new motivation from within themselves). We also have the ability to assist a person who is ready to Reframe or create new Anchors which will give them greater alignment to their goal.

NLP does not give anyone the ability to change the mind or actions of another person if that person is closed to change, closed to receiving new information, closed to the idea of being coached or mentored, or is not seeking your input into their decisions. The point of NLP is to practice flexibility in communication; so helping people discover things they would like to change in themselves is often a natural by-product of an enjoyable conversation with an NLP Practitioner--but changing people's behaviors is not the goal or place of NLP in a social setting.

NLP can be a tool for supporting behavioral changes only in an environment or relationship where all people involved have consented to setting a goal and making a change for themselves.

Appropriate times, places, and relationships to use NLP include: coaching, mentorship, parenting, management and leadership roles, interacting with customer service representatives, classrooms, workshops, hands-on education, etc. Assuming a mentorship role or attempting to "install" a change for someone who does not want it or hasn't asked for it is a disrespectful behavior which you should consider changing if you desire to have better conversations and more rewarding relationships.

Seeking to change someone's behaviors without their understanding or consent is an example of inflexibility.

This type of behavior falls outside the guidelines for a certified NLP Associate or Practitioner, and is not recommended for anyone wishing to use NLP socially. The purpose of NLP is to better understand other people’s model of the world, to facilitate great conversations, to build trust, and to deepen our respect for other people's experiences and perspectives.

The decision to make changes in our lives is a personal one, no matter how large or small the decision may be. Whether it's picking what to eat for breakfast or figuring out if we want to go on a date with someone--a certain level of trust and intimacy is necessary before making suggestions to another person's lifestyle is an appropriate behavior.

The most respectful and ethical application of NLP is one that uses our influence to help provide new information, new resources, new motivation, or new perspective... only where such suggestions are wanted and welcomed.