Should I Bring Flowers On A First Date?

Is it old-fashioned and overkill to bring flowers on a first date? Or is it a romantic gesture of your interest and sincerity?

There are three questions to ask yourself when determining if flowers are an appropriate gift for your date.

1) Have I been inside their home before?

If your date is someone you've known socially prior to going out together, you may have already been invited inside their living space for a party or other gathering. You may have an indication if they're free with invitations to their home, or more private. Consider how open or reserved they are with social invitations before bringing a gift like flowers which require entering your date's home to set up or care for.

While bringing flowers is a traditional gesture in many cultures, your date may not receive the gift with that shared understanding. Deliveries of sensitive items such as flowers or hot food are a common tactic for home invasions and other violent people to gain access to a home. If your date is a private person or concerned about their personal security, they may interpret your gesture as an attempt to enter to their private space before they feel ready, or before they've invited you in freely.

It is important to be sensitive if your date's cultural background differs from yours. If your date is Egyptian or Arab, flowers are not a common gift in the Middle East. Giving flowers is common for Muslims, especially as decorations around the holiday of Eid. If your date is Chinese, avoid white flowers which are associated with funerals. In Latin America, funeral flowers are typically yellow. In Russia, France and Japan, it is considered rude to give flowers in even numbers; odd numbers are preferred, but avoid the number 13 if your date happens to be French as 13 flowers are considered bad luck in France. Your date's heritage and traditions can heavily sway whether they find flowers an endearing gift, or not.

Additionally, knowing whether your date lives by themselves or with others should be something you consider. If someone else in the home has a floral allergy (or a cat in the home and you bring lilies which are poisonous to cats), the intention behind your gesture will be lost under the insensitivity of your choice in gift.

2) Is it possible my date is a survivor of Domestic Violence or Emotional Abuse?

Abuse survivors have experienced gaslighting and other forms of emotional harm. It is likely that they've been given flowers as a form of apology from an abuser attempting to downplay unacceptable behaviors. A gift of flowers is a common trigger for Domestic Violence survivors with PTSD.

In the United States, 1 in 7 cisgender men experience intimate partner violence in their lifetimes. That number rises to 1 in 4 cis women, and up to half of all transgender and nonbinary people. Those most likely to experience violence are queer, Black, Indigenous, and mixed race women. And 1 in 3 teens experience forms of relationship abuse. Your date may be a survivor of relationship violence regardless of their gender, race, or age.

Indicators that your date may be an abuse survivor can include: they have changed their name or use an alias on social media, they want to meet you at the date location or don't give their home address if you offer to pick them up, they don't invite many people to their home, they prefer to go on dates in public places, or they follow advocacy groups such as RAINN on social media.

Survivors of intimate partner violence have heightened awareness for when a date bumps into their personal boundaries. A gift of flowers and its implied entry to their home may feel threatening, especially for a recent DV survivor.

To avoid bringing up negative emotions or unpleasant memories for your date who is an abuse survivor, skip the flowers and opt for a more personalized gift related to their hobbies and personal interests (such as a book, a game, their favorite shelf-stable snack, or a toy for their pet). An ideal gift is something they can either carry with them on the date in a bag or purse, or place the item inside their home quickly without any set-up and be able to step out the door to enjoy their time with you.

3) Do I have reasons to believe that my date likes flowers?

Assumptions are unflattering. So when selecting a gift for your date, the most respectful thing to do is to consider them as an individual rather than follow any social scripts or predetermined behaviors. Conscientiousness and being observant are desirable traits in a potential partner, so you want to display those on your first date.

If you know your date prior to going out or you've seen pictures of them, you should think about whether you've seen them wear floral patterns or certain colors. This can give you a place to start; if they frequently wear a certain hue, that may be their favorite color so a gift in that scheme would not only show that you care, but also that you thought about their tastes specifically. A person who enjoys outdoor activities like gardening or hiking may be a fan of flowers. And a date who describes themselves as "girly" or "high femme" is using those social labels to let you know that flowers would likely be appreciated.

If your date hasn't given any clear indications about liking flowers, the most considerate gift to bring is one that they will enjoy. Try to learn about their hobbies and personal interests. If they have a pet, bringing something small like a toy or treat is a great option. An avid home-cook might enjoy a fresh herb plant; a journaler or scrapbooker would appreciate a high-quality pen; a coffee fanatic can enjoy a bag of beans from your local coffee shop. The gift you choose to bring is an opportunity to show that you understand your date's passions and interests, and allow them to start imagining how your lives might fit together should you continue dating. Demonstrating that you can give thoughtful gifts tailored to them can set your date off on the right footing.